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Shrek

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Shrek is a 2001 American animated film about an ogre who, to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes to become king.

Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Written by Ted Elliott, Terry Rossio, Joe Stillman and Roger S. H. Schulman, based on the book of the same name by William Steig.
Music by Harry Gregson-Williams and John Powell.
The greatest fairy tale never told. (taglines)

Shrek

[edit]
  • [whispers] This is the part where you run away.
  • No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?
  • What are you doing in my swamp? [echoes]
  • Alright. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
  • Okay, fine. Attention all... fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
  • It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  • All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
  • Thank you! Thank you, very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal!
  • You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
  • Okay, uh, ogres are like onions.
  • NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! [whispers] See you later.
  • Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...?
  • DONKEY, LOOK OUT!
  • GOT YA!
  • Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. RUN!!!
  • I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
  • [to Fiona and Farquaad] I object!
  • [after the arrow was pulled out of him] OW!

Donkey

[edit]
  • This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!
  • Wow! Let's do that again!
  • DRAGON!
  • [gets cornered by Dragon] Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I-I-I-I...
  • Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
  • Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
  • That's what friends are for.
  • [atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad] All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon, and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!

Princess Fiona

[edit]
  • Hey, wait! What are you doing?
  • Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
  • By night one way, by day another, this shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form.
  • Yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

Lord Farquaad

[edit]
  • [his first words] That's enough! He's ready to talk.
  • "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!".
  • Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
  • Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
  • [his last words] AND AS FOR YOU, MY WIFE! [Shrek: FIONA!] I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED BACK IN THAT TOWER, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!! I AM KING!! [Shrek whistles for Dragon.] I WILL HAVE ORDER!!! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION!!! I WILL HAVE-- [Dragon and Donkey enter the cathedral to stop Farquaad and Dragon eats Farquaad alive.] AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Others

[edit]
  • Peter Pan: He can fly!
  • Big Bad Wolf: What?
  • Thelonious: Three! Pick number three, my lord!
  • Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!
  • Monsieur Hood: Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy?

Dialogue

[edit]
Shrek: [first lines; narrates his storybook] Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss. [laughs] Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Steve Harwell music playing a song All Star. Out steps Shrek, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot off the page, still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home and goes about his daily routine, which is taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.]
[In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go to deal with Shrek. At night, they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The hunters stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.]
Villagers: [off-screen] I think he's in there?
Villager Chris: [sotto; intense] All right, LET'S GET HIM! [Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]
Villager James: Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? [A third villager pipes in]
Villager Mike: [foreboding] Yeah, he'll grind your bones for its bread. [The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]
Shrek: [brightly, laughing] Yes. [exposes himself, villagers gasp] Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!
Villagers: No!
Shrek: They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager James: [waves his torches in front of Shrek] BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! [Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously] Right.
[Shrek let out a huge long roars. Simultaneously, the villagers close their eyes and shout in shock, horror and panic for all they're worth. The villagers' huge, long shouts are too fast. Their shouts outlast Shrek's roars, and Shrek pounds them for a moment.]
Shrek: [whispers] This is the part, where you run away. [the villagers do so; laughs] And stay out! [looks down at a discarded poster and picks it up to inspect.] "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." [sighs, as he tosses the poster away.]
Guard #1: All right. This one's full. Take it away!
Dwarfs: He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we.
Guard #2: Move it along. Come on.
Captain of the Guard: [his first words] Next! [Guard grabs her broom]
Guard #2: Give me that! Your flying days are over.
Captain of the Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for the Witch. Next!
Guard: Come on!
Villager: 20 pieces. [As the villager passes out]
Guard #1: [to Guard #2] Sit down there!
Guard #2: [to Guard #1] Keep quiet!
Guard #1: [to Guard #2] You keep quiet!
Baby Bear: [sadly] This cage is too small.
[Donkey turns around to The Old Lady holds his rope]
Donkey: Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Old Lady: Oh, shut up.
Donkey: Oh!
Captain of the Guard: Next! [Geppetto steps forward and places Pinocchio down on the table] What have you got?
Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.
Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!
[The puppet's nose lengthens]
Captain of the Guard: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take him away.
Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
Captain of the Guard: Next! What've you got? [The Old Lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]
Old Lady: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Captain of the Guard: [looks up from his ledger] Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
[Donkey swallows hard and looks at The Old Lady. The Old Lady unties the rope on his Donkey.]
Old Lady: Oh, go ahead, little fella. [Donkey looks at the Old Lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey and lifts an eyebrow]
Captain of the Guard: [annoyed] Well? [Donkey looks back at the Captain and says nothing. The Old Lady starts to sweat.]
Old Lady: Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
Captain of the Guard: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
Old Lady: [moves Donkey's lips] No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est dang thing you ever saw.
Captain of the Guard: [annoyed] Get her outta my sight. [The guards advance on The Old Lady and takes her off screaming]
Old Lady: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
[As she struggles, the Old Lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Making Donkey shocked.]
Donkey: Hey, I can fly!
Peter Pan: He can fly!
3 Pigs: He can fly!
Captain of the Guard: HE CAN TALK!
Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, Idiot! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! [The pixie dust begins to wear off] Uh-oh. [Donkey falls down on the ground]
Captain of the Guard: Seize him! After him! He's getting away!
[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]
Donkey: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
Shrek: [annoyed] Are you talking to? [turns around and Donkey is gone] Me? [turns back around, Donkey shows up] Ha!
Donkey: Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man, those guards! They thought they were all that. Then you showed up and bam! They were tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Shrek: That's great. Really.
Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks off]
Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]
Shrek: [worried] DAAAAAAH!!!
Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that doesn't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath *stinks!* [As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.] Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time. [Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking in muffled; he removes his hand] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gas leaking out of my butt that day.
Shrek: Why...are you following me?
Donkey: I'll tell you why. [sings] 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! [finishes singing]
Shrek: STOP SINGING!!!! [picks up Donkey by his ears and tail] Look, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey: Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Shrek: Listen, Little Donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
Donkey: Uh... [looks up at Shrek] ...Really tall?
Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey: [shakes his head happily] Nope.
Shrek: [confused] Really?
Donkey: Really, really?
Shrek: Oh.
Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek: Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]
Donkey: "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-know-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. [he and Shrek finds his home] Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?
Shrek: That would be home.
Donkey: And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you were quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at the rock nearby] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
Donkey: [eyes the DANGER KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
Shrek: I like my privacy.
Donkey: You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay with you?
Shrek: Uh, what?
Donkey: Can I stay with you... please?
Shrek: Of course!
Donkey: Really? Should I go inside?
Shrek: No.
Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a think! [slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay outside! Please, please!
Shrek: Okay! Okay. Then stay outside. But one night only.
Donkey: Ah, thank you! [Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]
Shrek: Whoa! What are you...?? No, no, no!
Donkey: This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', [pauses for a few seconds] I'm makin' waffles!
Shrek: Ohh!!
Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek: OUTSIDE!!
Donkey: Oh... well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know, and you don't know that, so I guess I need to stay outside to do my best, you know. [sniffs] Here I go. Gd'night. [sighs; Shrek shuts the door closed] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. [singing] I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me.
[At dinner]
Shrek: I thought I told you to stay outside.
Donkey: I am stay outside. [Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look, and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]
Mouse #1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Mouse #2: Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine.
[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's slug]
Mouse #3: What a lovely bed!
Shrek: Gotcha!
Mouse #3: I've found some cheese!
[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]
Shrek: Ow!
Mouse #3: Blah! Awful stuff.
Mouse #2: Is that you Gorder?!
Mouse #3: How did you know?
Shrek: Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your dead broad off the table.
Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put it? The bed's taken.
[Realizing, Shrek enters his bedroom, seeing the wolf in the bed]
Wolf: What?
[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]
Gingerbread Man: [Off-screen] No! [makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]
Lord Farquaad: [his first words] That's enough! He's ready to talk. [puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man: [angrily] You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here! You think. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.NOW TELL ME! WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?!
Gingerbread Man: Eat me! [spits at Farquaad]
Lord Farquaad: [grunts] I've tried to be fair with your creatures, but now my patience has reached its END!!!! TELL ME, OR I'LL--!!
[Farquaad reaches to touch one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]
Gingerbread Man: No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad: ALL RIGHT, FINE, THEN, WHO'S HIDING THEM?!
Gingerbread Man: Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad: The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man: The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: Yes. I know the Muffin Man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad: THE MUFFIN MAN?!
Gingerbread Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man.
Captain of the Guard: [his last words] My lord! We found it.
Lord Farquaad: Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]
Gingerbread Man: Ohhh...
Lord Farquaad: Magic Mirror.
Gingerbread Man: Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops him in the trash can] No!
Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror: Well, technically, You're not a king.
Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonious? [Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass] You were saying?
Magic Mirror: [nervous] What I mean is, you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess.
Lord Farquaad: ...Go on.
Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [laughs]
[Shrek walks away]
Donkey: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
Shrek: [annoyed] Hey, you!
[A man screams]
Shrek: [annoyed] Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just... I just... [exasperated sigh]
[Donkey trots into the maze]
[Shrek and Donkey flex triumphantly for the ecstatic crowd as Farquaad watches on, intrigued.]
Shrek: Oh, yeah! Ah, ah! Thank you! Thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday, try the veal. [laughs]
[The crowd laughter stops as all of the guards turn with they weapons on Shrek]
Guard: Shall I give the order, sir?
Lord Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!
Shrek: What?
Lord Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]
Donkey: Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Donkey: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.
Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey: Example?
Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. [he holds out his onion]
Donkey: [sniffs the onion] They stink?
Shrek: Yes - - No!
Donkey: Or they make you cry?
Shrek: No!
Donkey: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [he throws away the onion and walks off]
Donkey: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. CAKE! [trailing after Shrek] Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. [walks passed Donkey]
Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek: [impatient] NO!!!! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. [whispers] See you later.
Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole darn planet.
Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming.
Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
[The Proclaimers music playing a song I'm on My Way]
Charlie Reed: [singing] I'm on my way from misery to happiness today / Ah-hah (Ah-hah), ah-hah (Ah-hah) / I'm on my way from misery to happiness today / Ah-hah (Ah-hah), ah-hah (Ah-hah) / I'm on my way to what I want from this world / And years from now you'll make it to the next world / And everything that you receive up yonder / Is what you gave to me the day I wandered...| I took a right, I took a right turning yesterday / Ah-hah (Ah-hah), ah-hah (Ah-hah), yeah / I took a right, I took a right turning yesterday / Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah / I took the road that brought me to your home town / I took the bus to streets that I could walk down / I walked the streets to find the one I'd looked for / I climbed the stair that led me to your front door...| And now that I don't want for anything (Ooh) / I'd have Al Jolson sing "I'm sitting on top of the world"...| I'll do my best, I'll do my best to do the best I can / Ah-hah (Ah-hah), ah-hah (Ah-hah), yeah / I'll do my best, I'll do my best to do the best I can / Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah / To keep my feet from jumping from the ground, dear / To keep my heart from jumping through my mouth, dear / To keep the past, the past and not the present / To try and learn when you teach me a lesson...| And now that I don't want for anything (Ooh) / I'd have Al Jolson sing "I'm sitting on top of the world"...| I'm on my way from misery to happiness today / Ah-hah (Ah-hah), ah-hah (Ah-hah), yeah / I'm on my way from misery to happiness today / Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah / I'm on my way to what I want from this world / And years from now you'll make it to the next world / And everything that you receive up yonder / Is what you gave to me the day I wandered / I'm on my way to what I want from this world / And years from now you'll make it to the next world / And everything that you receive up yonder / Is what you gave to me the day I wandered...| I'm on my way / I'm on my way / I'm on my way / I'm on my way / I'm on my way / I'm on my way / I'm on my way / I'm on my way... [song fades]
[Shrek and Donkey arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]
Donkey: [sniffs] Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it being brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either.
[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge. Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle surrounded by a lake of molten lava. A single light shone in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes, and crows circling the castle can be heard.]
Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [laughs]
[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]
Donkey: [chuckles along nervously] Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek: Oh, aye.
Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. [gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse] Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
Donkey: You know what I mean.
Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together, one little baby step at a time.
Donkey: Really?
Shrek: Really, really.
Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
Donkey: [nervously to himself] Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.
[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]
Donkey: Shrek! I'm lookin' down! [screams] Oh, no, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!
Shrek: But you're already halfway.
Donkey: But I know that half is safe!
Shrek: Okay, That's fine. I don't have time for this. You go backwards.
[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]
Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!
Shrek: Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? [bounces and sways the bridge]
Donkey: Don't do that!
Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? [bounces the bridge again]
Donkey: Yes, that!
Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. [continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]
Donkey: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
Shrek: You said do it! I'm doing it.
Donkey: I'm gonna day. I'm gonna day. Shrek, I'm gonna day. [steps onto solid ground] Oh!
Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. [walks toward the castle]
Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. [chuckles]
Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the remains of unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.]
Donkey: [whispers nervously] You afraid?
Shrek: No. But.... [shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]
Donkey: [sighs] Oh, good. Me neither. [gets spooked and gasps] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. An unfamiliar, dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're in danger. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton's head falls off, and Donkey gasps]
Shrek: Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. [grabs the helmet and puts it on]
Donkey: Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess.
Shrek: [picking up pieces of armor] The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey: What makes you think she'll be there?
Shrek: I read it in a book once. [walks off]
Donkey: Cool. You handle The Dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
[Shrek, now adorned in knight armor, walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]
Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.]
Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the-?
Donkey: DRAGON!
[Donkey screams in horror and takes off running, narrowly dodging the Dragon's fiery breath. The Dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the Dragon close behind him]
Shrek: DONKEY, LOOK OUT!!! AAH!
[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as The Dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The Dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs hold of her tail.]
Shrek: GOT YA!!!! [The Dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him to fly into the air.] AAAAAAH! [Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor, unconscious.]
[The Dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The Dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left standing on a lone pillar]
Donkey: No. Oh, no, No! [the dragon growls] Oh, what large teeth you have?! [The Dragon roars] I mean white, sparkling teeth!
[The Dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food.]
Donkey: I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]
Donkey: And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- [The Dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing her long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey] --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. [The Dragon flutters her eyes at him] What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? [Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey] Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... [coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to Princess Fiona, lying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight in shining armor. She straightens her dress, lies back down, and then quickly reaches over for a bouquet off the side table. She lies back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona, and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.]
Princess Fiona: Wha... Wha...
Shrek: Wake up!
Princess Fiona: What?!
Shrek: Are you Princess Fiona?
Princess Fiona: I am... [smiling] awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
Shrek: Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!
[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]
Princess Fiona: But, wait, Shrek! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? [she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]
Shrek: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. [Shrek walks back, grabs Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]
Princess Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. [Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]
Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Princess Fiona: Mm-hmm. [screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an imagine poem for me. [Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle] A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? A something! [Fiona pulls her arm out. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.]
Shrek: I don't think so.
Princess Fiona: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
Shrek: Uh, Shrek.
Princess Fiona: Sir Shrek. [she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
Shrek: Thanks!
[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by The Dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]
Princess Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!
Shrek: It's on my to-do list; now come on! [Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]
Princess Fiona: But-but-but- this isn't right! They were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]
Princess Fiona: That's not the point! Ugh!
[Fiona pulls her arm out and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]
Princess Fiona: Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!
[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]
Shrek: Well, I have to save my backside.
Princess Fiona: What kind of knight are you?
Shrek: One of a kind.
[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of a large, spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]
Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look, I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude.
[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]
Donkey: Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]
Donkey: Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --
[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]
Donkey: Oh, y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but --
[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]
Donkey: Hey, hey, don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that?
[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and sees the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and release it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose, and Shrek starts falling]
Donkey: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's arse. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain, and the chandelier falls onto her head, making a collar around her neck. She roars again, and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.]
Donkey: Hi, Princess!
Princess Fiona: He talks!
Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up; that's the trick.
[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony. Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately, there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross, and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unravelling. Dragon chases them through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.]
Shrek: Okay, you two, head for the exit! [setting down Donkey and Fiona] I'll take care of The Dragon.
[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]
Shrek: RUN!!
[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge, the fire burns the bridge, and it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off, but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly, the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The Dragon stopped from making a mistake. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a stopped roar, then gives a sad whimper.]
Princess Fiona: [sliding down the 'volcano' hill] You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. [behind her Donkey falls down the hill] You're...You're wonderful. You're... [and behind him Shrek fall down the hill and bumps into Donkey] a little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. [Donkey clears his throat.] And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
Donkey: I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.
Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: No, no, you wouldn't...'st.
Princess Fiona: But how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? [to Donkey] That wasn’t in the job description.
Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.
Princess Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.
Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think-- Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is your true love?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes.
[Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.]
Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love?!
Princess Fiona: What is so funny?
Shrek: Well, let's just say I'm not your type, okay?
Princess Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now...Now remove your helmet.
Shrek: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
Princess Fiona: Just take off the helmet.
Shrek: I'm not going to.
Princess Fiona: Take it off!
Shrek: No!
Princess Fiona: NOW!
Shrek: Okay! Easy. As your command. Your Highness. [takes off his helmet revealing his face but smudged in a charcoal-like substance.]
Princess Fiona: You...You're a...an ogre?
Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?
Princess Fiona: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre.
Shrek: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you.
Princess Fiona: Well, then why didn't he come rescue me?
Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
Princess Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his-- his pet.
Donkey: Well, so much for noble steed.
Shrek: [annoyed] Look, Princess, You're not making my job any easier.
Princess Fiona: I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right HERE!
Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? [ominous] I'm a delivery boy.
Princess Fiona: You wouldn't dare! [Shrek swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes] Aah! Put me down!
Shrek: Ya comin', Donkey?
Donkey: I'm right behind ya.
[Then, Fiona making it worse.]
Princess Fiona: Oh! Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! THIS IS NOT DIGNIFIED!!!! PUT ME DOWN!!!! AAAAARRRRRRGGHH!!!!
[A little time has passed, and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.]
Donkey: Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten?
Princess Fiona: You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your… [Shrek drops her on the ground] Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better.
Donkey: You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
Princess Fiona: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
Shrek: Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply. [he and Donkey laugh]
[Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.]
Donkey: I don’t know. There are those who think little of him.
[They laugh again.]
Princess Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek: Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
Princess Fiona: [looks at the setting sun] Tomorrow?! It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
Shrek: No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
Princess Fiona: But there’s robbers in the woods.
Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good.
Shrek: Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
Princess Fiona: I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!!
[Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.]
[Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.]
Shrek: Hey! Over here.
Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess.
Princess Fiona: No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
Shrek: Homey touches? Like what? [he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.]
Princess Fiona: A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. [goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her.]
Donkey: You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
Princess Fiona: [os] I said good night!
[Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.]
Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?
Shrek: [laughs] I just.... You know.... Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
[Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey.]
Shrek: And, uh, that one, that’s Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields.
Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek: The stars don’t tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there’s Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he’s famous for.
Donkey: I know you’re making this up.
Shrek: No, look. There he is, and there’s the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey: That ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of little dots.
Shrek: You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
Donkey: [heaves a big sigh] Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
Shrek: Our swamp?
Donkey: You know, when we’re through rescuing the princess.
Shrek: We? Donkey, there’s no "we". There’s no "our". There’s just me and my swamp. The first thing I’m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
Shrek: No, do ya think?
Donkey: Are you hidin’ something?
Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn’t it?
Shrek: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
Donkey: Why don’t you want to talk about it?
Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it?
Donkey: Why are you blocking?
Shrek: I’m not blocking!
Donkey: Oh, yes, you are.
Shrek: Donkey, I’m warning you.
Donkey: Who are you trying to keep out?
Shrek: Everyone! Okay?
Donkey: [pause] Oh, now we’re gettin’ somewhere. [grins]
[At this point, Fiona pulls the ‘door’ away from the entrance to the cave and peeks out. Neither of them sees her.]
Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete! [gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down]
Donkey: What’s your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
Shrek: Look, I’m not the one with the problem, okay? It’s the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at him and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone.
[Fiona puts the door back.]
Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn’t think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre.
Shrek: Yeah, I know.
Donkey: So, uh, are there any Donkeys up there?
Shrek: Well, there’s, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?
Shrek: That’s the moon.
Donkey: Oh, okay.
[The camera pans over a lot of throne room stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. The music fades out.]
Lord Farquaad: Again, show me again. [The mirror rewinds the picture] Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
Magic Mirror: Hmph.
[The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.]
Lord Farquaad: Ah. Perfect.
[Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.]
[Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey, who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes, and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly, the pressure of the note is too big, and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse: Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey’s talking in his sleep.]
Donkey: [quietly] Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.
Shrek: Donkey, wake up. [shakes him]
Donkey: Huh? What?
Shrek: Wake up.
Donkey: What? [stretches and yawns]
Princess Fiona: Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
Donkey: Oh, good morning, Princess!
[Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.]
Shrek: What’s all this about?
Princess Fiona: You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Shrek: Uh, thanks.
[Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.]
Princess Fiona: Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us. [walks off]
[They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches.]
Donkey: Shrek!
Shrek: What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [laughs]
Donkey: Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess.
[Fiona belches.]
Princess Fiona: Thanks.
Donkey: She’s as nasty as you are.
Shrek: [chuckles] You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.
Princess Fiona: Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
[She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.]
Robin Hood: La liberte! Hey!
Shrek: Princess!
Princess Fiona: [to Robin Hood] What are you doing?
Robin Hood: Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green... [kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust] ...beast.
Shrek: Hey! That’s my princess! Go find your own!
Robin Hood: Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
Princess Fiona: [getting fed up] Look, pal, I don’t know who you think you are!
Robin Hood: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [laughs]
[Suddenly an accordion begins to play, and the Merry Men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin’s theme song.]
Merry Men: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
Robin Hood: ♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪
Merry Men: ♪ He takes a wee percentage, ♪
Robin Hood: ♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. ♪
Merry Men: ♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ♪
Robin Hood: Break it down. ♪ I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... ♪
Merry Men: ♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-
Robin Hood: Paid. So... ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. ♪ That's bad.
Merry Men: That's bad.
Robin Hood: ♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪
Merry Men: He's mad, he's really, really mad.
Robin Hood: ♪ I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys, 'cause I'm about to start... ♪
[There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Robin Hood unconscious. Shrek looks at her in admiration.]
Princess Fiona: Man, that was annoying!
Merry Man: Oh, you little...! [shoots an arrow at Fiona but she handsprings out of the way]
[The arrow flies toward Donkey, who jumps into Shrek’s arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.]
Donkey: AAAAAAH!
[Another fight sequence begins, and Fiona gives a karate yell. She handsprings over to the arrow shooter and rapidly punches him unconscious. She elbow strikes another and swats him with her braid. There is a very interesting ‘Matrix’ moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair, then takes two men down by kicking them both at the same time. With a running backflip off a tree, she punches the friar through his accordion. She knocks out another one of the Merry Men with a roundhouse kick. Finally, all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away.]
Princess Fiona: Uh, shall we?
Shrek: Hold the phone. [drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
Princess Fiona: What?
Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
Princess Fiona: Well... [laughs] when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a… [gasps and points] there’s an arrow in your butt!
Shrek: What? [turns and looks] Oh, would you look at that? [he goes to pull it out but flinches because it’s tender]
Princess Fiona: Oh, no! This is all my fault! I’m so sorry!
Donkey: [walking up] Why? What’s wrong?
Princess Fiona: Shrek’s hurt.
Donkey: Shrek’s hurt? Shrek’s hurt?! Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!
Shrek: Donkey, I’m okay.
Donkey: You can’t do this to me, Shrek! I’m too young for you to die! Keep you legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?
Princess Fiona: Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
Both: Donkey!
Donkey: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. [runs off]
Shrek: What are the flowers for?
Princess Fiona: [like it’s obvious] For getting rid of Donkey.
Shrek: Ah.
Princess Fiona: Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out. [gives the arrow a little pull]
Shrek: [jumps away] Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’.
[As they continue to talk, Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.]
Princess Fiona: I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
Shrek: No, it’s tender.
Princess Fiona: Now, hold on.
Shrek: What do you think you’re doing is the opposite of help.
Princess Fiona: Don’t move.
Shrek: Look, time out.
Princess Fiona: Would you...? [grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow] Okay. What do you propose we do?
[Donkey is still looking for the special flower.]
Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Shrek: [os] OW!
Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! [rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns]
Shrek: Ow! Not good!
Princess Fiona: Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. [Shrek grunts as she pulls] It’s just about...
Shrek: Ow! Ohh! [he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him]
Donkey: Ahem.
Shrek: [throwing Fiona off of him] Nothing happened. We were just, uh...
Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
Shrek: Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-- [Fiona pulls the arrow out] Ugh! [he turns to look at Fiona, who holds up the arrow with a smile] Ow!
Donkey: Hey, what’s that? [nervous chuckle] That’s-- Is that blood? [faints]
[Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.]
[Eels: "My Beloved Monster"]
[There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won’t get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree, and the tree swings back into its upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek is swatting at a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that’s on a tree branch and runs through the field, swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek, who begins eating like cotton candy. Shrek catches a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presents it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.]
EELS: [singing] My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Get us through all kinds of weather
Donkey: Aah!
EELS: [singing] She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that’s so damn mean [croaks] Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Princess Fiona: Hey!
EELS: [singing] La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la [both laughing] La-la, la-la, la-la
Shrek: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
Princess Fiona: That’s DuLoc?
Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad’s compensating for something, which I think means he has a really… [Shrek steps on his hoof] OW!
Shrek: Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.
Princess Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I’m.... I’m worried about Donkey.
Shrek: What?
Princess Fiona: I mean, look at him. He doesn’t look so good.
Donkey: What are you talking about? I’m fine.
Princess Fiona: [kneels to look him in the eyes] That’s what they always say, and then next thing you know, you’re on your back. [pause] Day.
Shrek: You know, she’s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
Princess Fiona: Uh, you know, I’ll make you some tea.
Donkey: I didn’t want to say nothin’, but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, [turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways] Ow! See?
Shrek: Who’s hungry? I’ll find us some dinner.
Princess Fiona: I’ll get the firewood.
Donkey: Hey, where you goin’? Oh, man, I can’t feel my toes! [looks down and yelps] I don’t have any toes! I think I need a hug.
[Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.]
Princess Fiona: Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
Shrek: Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
Princess Fiona: No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
Shrek: Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. [chuckles]
[Fiona looks at DULOC and sighs.]
Princess Fiona: I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.
Princess Fiona: [smiles] I’d like that.
[They smiled at each other.]
Shrek: Um, Princess?
Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?
Shrek: I, um, I was wondering…are you… [sighs] Are you gonna eat that?
Donkey: [chuckles] Well, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
Princess Fiona: [jumps up] Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it’s late. I-It’s very late.
Shrek: What?
Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
Princess Fiona: Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
Donkey: Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
[Shrek sighs.]
Princess Fiona: Good night.
Shrek: Good night.
[Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.]
Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
Donkey: I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
Shrek: You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
Shrek: I...There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know...and I’m not sayin’ I do ‘cause I don’t...she’s a princess, and I’m...
Donkey: An ogre?
Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey: Hey, where you goin’?
Shrek: To get… more firewood. [sighs]
[Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.]
[Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen.]
Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? [Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but he can’t see her.] It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
[Suddenly, Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up, but she doesn’t look like herself. She looks like an ogre, and Donkey starts freaking out.]
Donkey: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Princess Fiona: No! No! No!
Donkey: OH, NO, HELP!
Princess Fiona: Shh!
Donkey: SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
Princess Fiona: No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
Donkey: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE PRINCESS?!
Princess Fiona: Donkey, shh! I’m the princess.
Donkey: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
Princess Fiona: It’s me, in this body.
Donkey: [to Fiona] Oh, my God! You ate the princess! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
Princess Fiona: Donkey?!
Donkey: [still aimed at her stomach] Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!
Princess Fiona: No!
Donkey: SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
Princess Fiona: Shh.
Donkey: SHREK!!!
Princess Fiona: This is me.
Donkey: [he looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down.] Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.
Princess Fiona: I’m ugly, okay?
Donkey: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now...
Princess Fiona: No. I...I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
Princess Fiona: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss... and then take love’s true form."
Donkey: Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
Princess Fiona: It’s a spell. [sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. [begins to cry]
Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7.
Princess Fiona: But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.
Donkey: Princess, how ‘bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
Princess Fiona: I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
Donkey: But, you know, um, you’re kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.
Princess Fiona: Shrek?
[Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.]
Shrek: [to himself] Princess, I...Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and...well, I don’t really like it, but I thought you might like it ‘cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d...uh, uh... [sighs] I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.
[He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.]
Princess Fiona: [os] I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek.
[Shrek steps back in shock.]
Princess Fiona: [os] My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
[Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.]
Princess Fiona: Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be. It’s the only way to break the spell.
Donkey: You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
Princess Fiona: No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.
Donkey: What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
Princess Fiona: Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
Donkey: All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should. [goes outside] I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
[Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.]
[Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.]
Princess Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. [she quickly runs to the door and goes outside] Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want...
[Fiona looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a human. Just as she looks back at the sun, she sees Shrek stomping towards her.]
Princess Fiona: Shrek. Are you all right?
Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.
Princess Fiona: I...I don’t...There’s something I have to tell you.
Shrek: You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
Princess Fiona: You heard what I said?
Shrek: Every word.
Princess Fiona: I thought you’d understand.
Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
Princess Fiona: But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does. [Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.] Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
[Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he’s only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.]
Donkey: What’d I miss? What’d I miss? [he spots the soldiers, mumbling to himself.] Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.
Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona.
Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.
Lord Farquaad: Very well, ogre. [holds out a piece of paper] The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. [Shrek takes the paper] Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
Princess Fiona: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. [Farquaad snaps his fingers] Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... [Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.] farewell.
Lord Farquaad: Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
Princess Fiona: No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
[Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.]
Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Princess Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...
Lord Farquaad: [interrupting] Excellent! I’ll start the plans; for tomorrow we wed!
Princess Fiona: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets.
Lord Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! [A guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse]
Princess Fiona: Fare-thee-well, ogre.
[Farquaad’s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.]
Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
Shrek: Yeah? So what?
Donkey: Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night. She’s....
Shrek: I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
Donkey: Shrek, I...I wanna go with you.
Shrek: I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. [to himself] I live alone! My swamp! Me! [to Donkey] Nobody else! Understand? [to himself] Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!
Donkey: But I thought...
Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. [stomps off]
Donkey: Shrek?
[John Cale: "Hallelujah"]
[Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.]
[Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate.]
Shrek: Donkey? [as Donkey tries his best and continues with what he’s doing.] What are you doing?
Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall’s supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
Donkey: It is around your half. See, that’s your half, and this is my half.
Shrek: Oh! Your half. Hmm.
Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
Shrek: [grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with] Back off!
Donkey: No, you back off!
Shrek: This is my swamp!
Donkey: Our swamp!
Shrek: Let go, Donkey!
Donkey: You let go!
Shrek: Stubborn jackass!
Donkey: Smelly ogre!
Shrek: Fine! [drops the tree branch and walks away]
Donkey: Hey, hey, come back here. I’m not through with you yet.
Shrek: Well, I’m through with you.
Donkey: Uh-uh. You know, with you it’s always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it’s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me, and you don’t appreciate anything that I do! You’re always pushing me around or pushing me away.
Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
Donkey: Because that’s what friends do! They forgive each other!
Shrek: Oh, yeah. You’re right, Donkey, I forgive you... For stabbin’ me in the back! [goes into the outhouse and slams the door]
Donkey: Ohh! You’re so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you’re afraid of your own feelings.
Shrek: [os] Go away!
Donkey: There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
Shrek: [os] Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking.
Donkey: She wasn’t talkin’ about you. She was talkin’ about, uh, somebody else.
Shrek: [opens the door and comes out] She wasn’t talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain’t saying anything. You don’t wanna listen to me. Right? Right?
Shrek: Donkey!
Donkey: No!
Shrek: Okay, look. I’m sorry, all right? [sighs] I’m sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?
Donkey: Hey, that’s what friends are for, right?
Shrek: Right. Friends?
Donkey: Friends.
Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don’t you just go ask her?
Shrek: [realising; shocked] The wedding! We’ll never make it in time!
Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where there’s a will, there’s a way, and I have a way. [whistles]
[Suddenly, the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on.]
Shrek: Donkey?
Donkey: I guess it’s just my animal magnetism.
[They both laugh.]
Shrek: Aw, come here, you. [gives Donkey a noogie]
Donkey: All right, all right. Don’t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven’t had a chance to install the seat belts yet.
[They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.]
[Fiona watches Farquaad get to become a new king. The whole tower is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Reverend Silence’.]
Bishop: People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...
Princess Fiona: [eyeing the setting sun] Um...
Bishop: ...of your new king.
Princess Fiona: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do’s"?
Lord Farquaad: [chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona] Go on.
[Some guards are milling around. The dragon lands with a boom. The guards all get off running.]
Donkey: [to Dragon] Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that? [she nods and goes after the guards] Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you?
Shrek: [at the Church door] What are you talking about?
Donkey: There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That’s when you say, "I object!"
Shrek: I don’t have time for this!
Donkey: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don’t you?
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: You wanna hold her?!
Shrek: Yes.
Donkey: PLEASE HER?!
Shrek: YES!
Donkey: Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic cop!
Shrek: All right! Cut it out. When does this man say the line?
Donkey: We gotta check it out.
[As the priest talks, we see Donkey’s shadow through one of the windows. Shrek tosses him up so he can see.]
Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me.
[Outside]
Shrek: What do you see?
Donkey: The whole town’s in there.
[Inside]
Bishop: I now pronounce you…
[Outside]
Donkey: They’re at the altar.
[Inside]
Bishop: …king and queen.
[Outside]
Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!
[He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.]
Shrek: [running toward the alter] I object!
Princess Fiona: Shrek.
[The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.]
Lord Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?
Shrek: [to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church] Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
Princess Fiona: What are you doing here?
Lord Farquaad: Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding!
Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me--
Shrek: But you can’t marry him.
Princess Fiona: And why not?
Shrek: Because-- Because he’s just marrying you so he can be king.
Lord Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don’t mind me.
Shrek: He’s not your true love.
Princess Fiona: And what do you know about true love?
Shrek: Well, I...Uh...I mean...
Lord Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [laughs]
[The prompter card men holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The whole congregation laughs.]
Lord Farquaad: An ogre and a princess!
Princess Fiona: Shrek, is this true?
Lord Farquaad: Who cares?! It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re about a kiss away from your "happily ever after." Now kiss me! [puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.]
Princess Fiona: [looking at the setting sun] "By night one way, by day another." [to Shrek] I wanted to show you before.
[She backs up, and as the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.]
Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot.
[Fiona smiles.]
[Suddenly, Farquaad takes his revenge on Shrek and Fiona.]
Lord Farquaad: Ugh! It’s DISGUSTING!!!! GUARDS!!!! GUARDS!!!! I ORDER YOU TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!! NOW!!!! GET THEM!!!! GET THEM BOTH!!!!
[The guards run in and steal Fiona and Shrek from everyone. Shrek stops them.]
Princess Fiona: NO, NO! SHREK!
Lord Farquaad: THIS HOCUS-POCUS ALTERS NOTHING!!!! THIS MARRIAGE IS BINDING, AND THAT MAKE ME KING!!!! SEE?!!? SEE?!!?
Princess Fiona: No, let go of me! Shrek!
Shrek: No!
Lord Farquaad: DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU MORONS!!!!
Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
Lord Farquaad: I’LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY WE MET!!!! I’LL SEE YOU DRAWN AND QUARTERED!!! YOU’LL BEG FOR DEATH TO SAVE YOU!!!!
Princess Fiona: No, Shrek!
Lord Farquaad: [hold a dagger to Fiona’s throat for his revenge.] AND AS FOR YOU, MY WIFE!!!!
Shrek: Fiona!
Lord Farquaad: I’LL HAVE YOU LOCKED BACK IN THAT TOWER FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!!!! I AM KING!!!!
[Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.]
Lord Farquaad: I WILL HAVE ORDER!!!! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION!!!! I WILL HAVE--
[Donkey and the dragon stop Farquaad just in time.]
Lord Farquaad: AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
Donkey: All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it. [The dragon roars.] I’M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!
[The dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.]
Donkey: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [as the congregation cheers.] Go ahead, Shrek.
Shrek: Uh, Fiona?
Princess Fiona: Yes, Shrek?
Shrek: I...I love you.
Princess Fiona: Really?
Shrek: Really, really.
Princess Fiona: [smiles] I love you too.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes ‘Awwww’ on the back and then shows it to the congregation.]
Congregation: Aawww!
[At last, the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted into the air, and she hovers there while the magic works around her.]
Whispers: "Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form. Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form."
[Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide. She’s consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.]
Shrek: [going over to her] Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
Ogre Fiona: [standing up, she’s still] Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek: But you are beautiful.
[They smile at each other.]
Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades into their wedding kiss.]
[Last lines; Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I’m a Believer' by Smash Mouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. It is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet, which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a catfight, and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread Man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party, and Donkey takes over singing the song.]
Gingerbread Man: God bless us, every one.
Donkey: [as he's done singing and we cut to black; laughing] Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party

[edit]
Shrek: Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. [turns on the radio] I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. (sings "The Way You Are")

DVD Menu

[edit]
[selecting "Play"]
Pig 1: Play the movie!
Pig 2: Ja!
Pig 3: Play!
[the pigs run into Shrek's outhouse, then the pig opens the door to black]
Shrek: [off screen] No, no! No, no! Not there! Not there!
Pinocchio: There's no special features here.

See also

[edit]

Taglines

[edit]
  • The greatest fairy tale never told.
  • The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will always be the same again.

Voice Cast

[edit]
[edit]
Wikipedia
Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:
  Feature films     Main       (2001) ·  (2004) ·  (2007) ·  (2010) 
  Spin-offs       (2011) · Puss in Boots: The Last Wish  (2022) 
  Short films     Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party  (2001) · Shrek 4D  (2003) · Thriller Night  (2011) · Puss in Boots: The Three Diablos  (2012)  
  Television specials     Far Far Away Idol  (2004) · Shrek the Halls  (2007) · Scared Shrekless  (2010)
  Video games     Shrek  (2001) · Shrek 2  (2004) · Shrek SuperSlam  (2005) · Shrek the Third  (2007) · Shrek Forever After  (2010) · Puss in Boots  (2011)
 Related      Last words in Shrek media
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